As most everyone has noted, 2020 has been quite a year!
Most of my friends & family know I lost quite a few people in the last year. My brother in Sept. 2018, my aunt that November, my cat in February 2019, my mom in April just after her 90th birthday. A drunk driver killed a student from our school, a running buddy took a nap and never woke up, two former staff members from school passed. It was just a lot in a short amount of time. To say the beginning of the 2019 school year was not the best for me would be an understatement. Looking back now, I probably should have made more effort to seek grief counseling, but something always seemed more important.
I don’t remember much about the start of the school year; it was pretty standard. I was not handling things as well as I thought I was; I was easily frustrated but tried to stay professional. I was stunned when my evaluation did not go well at all, but I tried not to let it get to me - just a lousy time, new administrator, next time I’ll do better.
January 2020 came with a bang. At work, they started giving me classes, but not MY classes. I was kind of a co-teacher with no ‘responsibility,’ but the administration expected me to help the TA’s learn the office suite products. It was very confusing and aggravating. I even called in the union, but not much changed. I sank deeper into depression; I felt I couldn’t win, nothing would change, and I was very stuck. I started to look into retirement. Then the COVID pandemic struck. Before spring break, we all speculated if we would even be coming back from the break, which we did not, but we did start distributing every computer we had to students for remote learning. While working with one of the students, there was a small misunderstanding for which I got blamed and promptly dismissed from work. It was awful; I had had enough, and I was so angry! I could not believe it was happening. I was waiting to see if the principal would report the incident to the office of professional standards. I wanted OPS to know how we handled the incident. But it didn’t happen.
I immediately started filling out the paperwork for retirement. I became obsessed with house hunting near our niece in north Georgia. I did not talk to Gil much about my decisions, just focused on my exit.
When our church had to go online, we worked frantically to make that happen. There is a big learning curve to live streaming for the first time with everyone else. Everything that went with that created stress for Gil. He was weary of my recent house hunting online, so he sent me to visit Shannon and take a look around. We had stayed with her for thanksgiving in 2019 and liked the town of Ellijay. I had become obsessed with aging and death and kept preparing for us to get old and being cared for. Working with our financial advisor, with my mom’s passing and inheritance and all, we could retire, sell our house, buy a new one, and move. We would still need to work, but hopefully, we could go part-time or work at something fun. So when Gil sent me to visit and look at houses, hoping I would kind of freak out at the prospect, I ended up buying a place in the North Georgia mountains - the town of Ellijay.
I’ve been calling it a ‘suicide move.’ I had a hard time seeing any way out of my situation. Yes, pretty much, all I could see was my situation. We had planned to do this in a few years; to see how his parents would fair over the next few years; get to at least 20 years at Seminole or longer. But at this point, I needed to leave; I needed out; I needed change, and I dragged Gil with me. It’s better than the alternative - I am glad to say I am still here - but I am sorry if I caused any pain or undue stress to my husband, co-workers, family, and friends. We do miss you all terribly; we miss Florida; we do not miss the traffic!
Shortly after we moved, mom Sterling took a turn for the worse and passed. I have started working as a substitute teacher in the school system here (3 elementary schools, one middle, one high!). And now, as we enter 2021, we find our move is a mixed blessing as our niece is experiencing upheaval in her family. I guess stress is unavoidable.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Hopefully, I’ll get back to journaling and working on my life’s story, not that it’s all that interesting - I look at my parents’ lives and am amazed at the things they did. Then I look at my own life and shrug.
Well, Happy New Year 2021. 🙏💞
